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Hello, MC Forum, and whoever may be reading this post!
It's been quite awhile since I've visited this site, but I've thought about the MC many times in the past year. The problem is that I seem to think about it, but cannot perform it. I'm on here once again hoping to change my bad past record. I am a foodaholic, and although my mind knows how much I would benefit by taking a break from any and all food (especially all the processed crap), the part of me that is completely addicted throws a little temper tantrum and demands to be fed. I have made up my mind that I am going to give it my best shot this time. I will ignore the food around me and I will walk away calmly when those little thoughts creep into my mind, telling me that one little bite of this or that won't hurt. I've listened to that reasoning too often in the past and that's why I'm where I'm at today; fat, frumpy, and almost forty, and unhealthy to boot. Well, I've had it. I'm fed up with my emotional addiction to food, I'm sick of feeling sick, and I'm gosh darn tired of looking in the mirror and seeing this fat stranger staring back at me.
Here recently I bought my kids some leapster explorers with the games and the camera, so they've been running around taking pictures of anything and everything, me included. I was completely shocked and dismayed when I saw what I actually look like on camera. I mean, come on, am I really that HUGE???!!! It's terrible, disgraceful, and unbelievably sad all at once. I remember just seven years ago I came home from the hospital with my new baby boy , and I weighed 135 lbs after giving birth just four hours before! What in the heck happened to me? I've ballooned into a 200 lb mama!!! It's horrifying. Bad eating habits, little to no exercise, moments of depression, and just a lack of caring have gotten me to this place, and let me tell you, I have had it. I'm sick of feeling fat and unhealthy and tired all the time. I want my old body back. I want to drag out all my cute, sexy clothes that are stored in boxes or hanging in the back of the closet and be able to wear them again. I want to go out in public, or to family reunions, or have wild sex with my wonderful hubby and not be embarrassed to death by my fat, lazy self. Sorry, maybe that's all too much info, but after all, this is my journal and I'm just writing from the heart. I need to get out all this pent up frustration inside me. I need to talk through where I'm at today and why I'm here and then make a plan for how I'm going to change it. I think I'm finally ready to really and truly make a change. Those pictures and the horrible, listless, tired and achy feeling that I have every day have really opened my eyes to what I've done to myself. Frankly, I don't see how my adorable hubby puts up with me. You know, he never says a word about how much I've changed in the past six years.....I was thinking about that tonight, and about how so many other men would make snide little comments or flirt or cheat around if their wives gained 67 lbs, but my husband is still the same respectful, caring guy that I married nine years ago. It just amazes and humbles me. He continues to stick by me, and I just shake my head. I want to get back in shape for myself and for him, because you know what-we all deserve to be with someone who has enough respect for herself/himself and her/his body and spouse that we stay in shape. I know he must miss the way I used to be, even though he loves me and would never say a word to hurt me. Heck, I miss the old me. I miss the fun-loving, happy me that used to look damn good in pictures and in real life. I miss the me that weighed less than my fit husband. I miss the me that could run around and play with my kids without getting tired. I miss the old confident me who could put on sexy lingerie and really wow her man. We rob ourselves of so many wonderful, thrilling, satisfying, meaningful moments in life when we allow ourselves to become unfit and unhealthy. We rob our families of so many great memories of priceless moments of play and togetherness. I took my kids to the park just the other day, and I felt so sad because I am so overweight and out of shape that I can't do much with them before my body just tires out and I give in and plop down on a bench. Then I just sit and watch them play. The years are going by so quickly and one day I'll look back and kick myself for not buckling down and finding the strength and courage to get fit for my family so that I can share in the fun and active times of their lives. I see so clearly now what food addiction does. It's no better than someone who can't control their appetite for liquor or drugs or porn. Everything can become a bad thing when it's done to excess. Moderation is the key, and I have to teach myself how to have moderation when it comes to food. I've let myself go way beyond the point of what is normal, and I think the best way to begin to heal this addiction is to just stop cold turkey for a period of time. Take time to fast and get my head together again. I think the MC is a great place to start, and that's why I'm here again, and this time I'm not playing games. I'm not coming in with a ho-hum attitude of whatever will be, will be. This time I really, really want and need for it to work. I'm ready for a change. A change in my body and in my way of thinking. I'm ready for a complete lifestyle change. I want to get my body back, stronger and healthier than it's ever been. I want to feel more vibrant and alive than I've ever felt. I want to teach my kids how to live, eat, and breathe healthy, and a healthy and happy mama is the best example they can have. So here's to a new start. I'm determined this time. My plan is to go one week at a time. I'm shooting for 7 full days on the cleanse, then I plan to re-evaluate and see how I feel and whether I've made much progress. Then I'll either move on to a healthy eating plan to lose the rest of my excess weight, or I will check in for another 7 days of cleansing. This time it's for real, people. I'm ready to get healthy again. I would love to find other cleansers with the same goals and desires so that we can help keep each other accountable and encouraged.
That's it for tonight. I've done enough soul-searching:) I plan on writing daily in this journal though, and hope to meet some great people along the way.
Goodnight!
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www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wT4qNZL/]
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