It's Friday, yay!!!!
Last weekend was great for me. After the hard days there at the end, I ended up getting some great exercise that totally revived me. I'm already planning out my jog/walk for tomorrow morning. Getting myself out of bed is the hardest thing ever, but once I'm up and out I feel great. I do love endorphins!
Moment of confession:
I've been having a very tough time the past couple of weeks. For the most part, I've been sticking to my eating plan, but there have been some off meals that weren't scheduled. I can't believe it, but I'm already bored with Somersizing. What I really want to do is the MC, but I'm not ready for that yet. So i think I'm going to jump into low calorie eating for the first 2 weeks of March, just to switch it up a little, then I'll go back to Somersize.
I've been wanting food that normally I wouldn't want, but since it's not part of my plan, I want it bad.
I choose to believe there are 2 MAIN reasons why I'm struggling with this right now, THIS VERY MOMENT.
1) I believe my body is fighting the change. It's saying,
"I don't want to get smaller! I want to stay the way I am! You can't make me change!!!!"
I recognize this is normal and for others it's usually when they plateau, that is why I purposefully scheduled plateau weeks into my year long plan, but for me it means fighting that need/desire/compulsive disorder to stuff my face.
2) The second reason I recognize, is one that I kind of think a lot of others can relate to, Self-Sabotage.
What can I say about Self-Sabotage? We go back a long time. I can pin point so many instances in my life where I Self-Sabotaged, it's pathetic. In the last several years I can even pin point situations where I was aware that I was doing it, but still couldn't stop. Things from romantic relationships, friends, family, school, weight loss, exercise, etc... You name it, I've sabotaged it!
I think there are many reasons and unfortunately, recognizing them doesn't necessarily mean you're ready to let them go.
Does it begin naturally within our own personal temperament? Is it something that our parents/family begun within us at a young age? Was it our particular neighborhood and the kids (or no kids) we grew up with? Was it the schools we attended?
I used to know someone who was very, very skinny as a child and her size was constantly being discussed within her family. Was she eating enough? Was she sick? This led her to eating and gaining weight, because at least this way people stopped talking about her.
I used to know someone who was the opposite, always on the heavy side since she was a baby. She used to try to lose weight, but her parents(who were also heavy) would take that as a sign that she thought herself better than them, or that she wanted to be different than her own family. She couldn't stand to upset her parents and so for a long time she would lose weight, only to gain it right back and then some.
I also knew someone who would lose weight and gain it back on a regular basis, because she loved the attention she would get.
What about me? Well, there's the typical; always the ugly duckling of the bunch, too skinny in some circles, too big in others, never quite found a perfect fit, disapproving mother, no father, bad luck in relationships, loner, blah, blah, blah. You get the picture.
So how am I to move past this? How does one stop self-sabotaging? Is it even possible after a certain age?
Some books begin by saying that we must learn to love ourselves. There's even some exercises recommended to help the process along. What if you've tried all these, and after a while you just go back? How can you make it stick?
What if you're doing great, you're feeling happy and strong, and then something happens? Lets say it, "someone" happens, and you break apart all over again. You thought you'd taken control back, and that they couldn't make you turn your back on your diet or exercise plan again, but one word, look, email, letter, call, or carrier pigeon from them, and you're off the wagon.
What is it about them that makes you want to Sabotage all your great effort? Is it always going to be like that? Are some people in our lives always going to bring out the Self-Sabotage gene out of us? Does everyone struggle with Self-Sabotage, or just those of us who struggle with weight?
I keep saying it and still can't make the change,
"Weight is only a symptom!"
I know this, I recognize the big issues. Now what can I do to push through this wall?
I don't know. I just don't have the answer yet. These days I'm barely keeping my head above water. I know, I know, just don't give up and the happy days will come. But damn it!!!! I want a friggin cheeseburger! My body and brain are saying if I eat a cheeseburger all will be right again. AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
It's been almost 2 months since this journey begun, and I can't believe it. In the grand scheme it seems like nothing, but if I look back, it's been a long time. It's been 2 months of mind and body focusing on this. I can't quit now. I've only just begun, not to take my life back, because I've always struggled with my weight/image. But only just begun to let the real me inside come out!!
Here's to the real us!!!!!!!!!