"When you first learn to fast, expect to face some difficulties. Your mind will wander off constantly, darting around like a bumblebee and zooming off on wild tangents. Try not to worry. The monkey mind phenomenon is well known. It is something that every advanced fasting soul has had to deal with. We all just push through it one way or another, and so can you. Somewhere in this process, you will come face to face with the sudden and shocking realization that you are completely crazy. Your mind is a shrieking, gibbering madhouse on wheels barreling pell-mell down the hill, utterly out of control and hopeless. No problem. You are not crazier than you were yesterday. It has always been this way, and you just never noticed. You are also no crazier than everybody else around you. The only real difference is that you have confronted the situation; they have not. So they still feel relatively comfortable. That does not mean that they are better off. Ignorance may be bliss, but it does not lead to liberation."
-Shiva 8-2008
I remember when I first went deep enough inside my own psyche to realize that there was a certain person, entity, persona, character inside me that was completely enraged and screaming. Unreasonable and angry. Willing to be violent but mostly just wanting to scream. And screaming. It was alarming.
Now I think that was always there and is a part of being a human on a quest to end my own suffering. Which is the intent, very much the deepest intent of this Master Cleanse. Of the fruity raw veganism in fact. It is the underlying foundation I have been building on. To wake up, to experience clean body, calm mind. To be at home in my human body. I have had to learn many lessons to get there.
The overwhelming feelings in the last couple days have to do with a feeling that at the center of me, is steel cords, wires, explosives holding my innards hostage. A sort of constipation and thickened rope like mucus masquerading as strength. And I know I build this thickness and rigidity and stood on it with my full body weight for many many years. I didn't know any different. I certainly didn't know that my colon was thickening and getting sicker with every SAD Zombie meal I ate. I didn't regard poison foods as poison foods because I wasn't awake enough or aware enough to do that. Everyone else was eating that way right? So I must be ok.
And when you wake up and realize that it is insane to eat the suffering and pain of another life, or to pretend dairy is anything other than cruelty. It's very shocking. It sends shock waves thru you like an Earthquake that you intentionally started. The walls crumble, the house of delusion collapses and very few people can see that you just in effect left their world. I often think to myself, "I don't live in your World anymore." And I don't. I live in a new unfolding possibility and it is exciting and terrifying.
Waking up is unpleasant. Many just stay asleep their whole lives. Because facing this stuff, really cleaning it up is a inside job and no one can actually help you do it. I mean you can get some support, but it is a lonely job to heal yourself and face the fact that only you can do it. So many want to just buy their way out of this. But it isn't for sale. You have to earn it.
Day 24 Master Cleanse.
It was supposedly rain today over 4 inches. Officials are worries the dams all over California will collapse. There's massive holes in some and evacuations. The drought is over. The rain will come.
I was in bed all day yesterday. I went to the gym and sat in the sauna til my blood was warm again. 40 minutes later, dizzy and tired Mister Squeegy took me to a grocery store. The one where SAD (standard American diet) Zombies shop. I had had 24-48 hours of serious shoulder and head and neck pain by this point. And I was dizzy enough that I needed the cart to hang on to.
This place. Is constantly trying to bait and switch. I had loaded digital coupons on to their stupid card. They didn't work, and we were in the world's slowest line. I swear this cashier was moving like a Sleestack. I got angry. Like. Angry. I told the cashier to correct the prices and link the digital coupons. She asked if I wanted to call their headquarters. I asked why it was my responsibility to be sure that the store didn't rip me off. That I had to watch the register constantly here just to be sure I wasn't being ripped off. Every. Single. Time.
It was like Doctor Furious took over my body. Not good.
Bitch on Wheels. I used to act this way a lot back when I was a meat eating milk drinking genetically modified candy crunching fool.
Detox.
The rest of the day, neck pain and fever.
This morning I got the message at 4 am to wait out the lax tea poo and then do a long enema and end with coffee. Have never done a coffee enema. I admit as a former serious coffee addict, I was afraid to. But clearly when you are yelling at cashiers it is time to give the liver some additional assistance. Your liver carries anger. You gallbladder can rage.
I was able to retain 1 L of the coffee enema for 15 minutes laying on my right side. Then all manners of crazy gurgling started in my liver gallbladder and I got lots of nasty nasty junk outta me. You know god bless Master Cleanse, lax tea, SWF and all the rest of it. But sometimes you need more.
It seemed like it was time. So far I don't have any anxiety or panic from the coffee. I worried about that. Considering yesterday was like a 20 hour long migraine, it was time to try something new.
I think this will help. Already my mind feels better and my gut isn't gurgling. Not hard like a rock there now. I feel like I might not need to stay in bed all day today. We shall see!
I had trouble getting enough lemonade in for days now. I'm talking lucky to get in 4. Some days only 1. No! Not good! That will ramp up detox. It makes in unmanageable and hard to stay to the Pink Tongue. Also an excuse to fail is an excuse to fail, you know? The lemonade ... It's already turned on me so I have to make it, use cayenne last and I drink it fast. No more savoring. It is just getting it down now. Drink it and pretend it never happened.
I only regret waiting til this morning to try a coffee enema. I should have done it yesterday.
I'm so grateful my eyes were opened.
Yesterday in horrific pain I was watching a funeral scene. The part where they sprinkle rose petals on the coffin grabbed me by the hoo-haw and gave me intense flashbacks of so many funerals of people I loved. My Father. He was only 50 when he died of pancreatic cancer which is a disease of alcoholism. He died 6 weeks after being diagnosed.
I was having these intense visuals of how I felt almost nothing at his actual funeral but cried thru most of it while people stared at me. The tragedy.
I was basically sobbing yesterday and felt some truly deep sadness leave me. It was good. Hard. But good. Like the Master Cleanse.
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